Gif Review: Agora

Title: Agora

Director: Alejandro Amenábar

Genre: Drama, Action

My Rating: 1 Star

Tomatometer: 53%

MPAA Rating: R for some Violence

Cast: Rachel Weisz, Max Minghella, Oscar Isaac

Synopsis:

A fourth century slave (Max Minghella) is confronted with his love for his intellectual alchemist master, Hypatia of Alexandria (Rachel Weisz), and the temptations of freedom spurred by the rise of Christianity in this historical epic from acclaimed filmmaker Alejandro Amenábar

Trailer:

So it’s summer, and I have way more time to peruse the lesser known sides of Netflix.

Look at this! Greece, Rachel Weisz, slave in love with beautiful mistress? Sounds interesting. Sounds epically romantic.

sooooo…..why is a movie about ancient Greece starting with a shot of the Earth from space? Seems kinda weird…is this gonna be like, Aliens vs. Socrates?

Oh well, I’ll just go with it. So Rachel Weisz is like, this philosopher chick? Did that happen in Ancient Greece? Aww, slave boy is kinda cute. Sort of. He looks really young compared to her. Isn’t this supposed to be some epic love story between them? Whatever, I’m sure we’ll get there. He’s like, madly in love with her already, and she doesn’t even notice. Rude.

I’m pretty surprised these Ancient Greek guys are taking class from a woman. I mean, she’s obviously smart, but weren’t men sexist pigs then?

Oh lolz, Alexandria isn’t even in Greece. It’s in Egypt. My bad.

Oh no, we’ve got some antagonistic Christians…why is it always the Christians people throw under the bus? I really hope this doesn’t turn into Science vs. Christianity. At least that one Christian guy walked across the fire without getting burned. Score for Jesus.

Weird creepy guy from “Drive” is in love with Hypatia (Weisz) AAAAAANNNNNDDDD she turns down his proposal with a BLOODY HANDKERCHEIF. Not the kind of blood you get when you cut yourself.

Oh no…Davus (slave) is hanging out with the Christians. I can see where this is going. Aww, now they’re feeding poor people! See! They are good people!

Aaaaanndddd now they’re attacking the Library. That didn’t last long.

Aww, Davus is going to sacrifice himself to protect Hypatia from the Christians. THIS IS SO SWEET AND EPIC.

False alarm. He’s just joining the Christians in their destruction. LAME.

WOAH NOW HE’S ASSAULTING HYPATIA. STOP IT MAN. YOU’RE RUINING THIS MOVIE.

TIME JUMP. Oh look, more Earth from space shots. An Alien vs. Socrates movie would certainly be more interesting than what I’m watching right now.

HOLY CRAP DAVUS GOT HOT.

There’s gotta be something between the two of them coming up. Come on now.

Oh great. Now the Christians are stoning people. Lovely.

Hypatia’s still trying to figure out the solar system.

Davus is still being dumb. And freaking hot.

More stoning. More religious unrest. More Hypatia running around trying to determine if the planets move in circles. SPOILER ALERT HYPATIA, THEY DON’T.

Oh, he is NOT reading the Bible passage about Women not teaching men and women being submissive. Aww, “Drive” guy is standing up for her. Good for him. I like you. You’re not so creepy anymore.

Ok. This is not going to end well. Not to mention that I haven’t seen ONE romantic scene between Hypatia and Davus and that is just SO disappointing.

Wait. That’s how it ends?

I am ten steps beyond disappointed.

I GUESS you could argue that there’s something…morbidly romantic about that ending. Whatever.

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